Bear Notch Road

 

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

This charming little piece came about as a way to sooth over the BMW UUC digest which had been run amock by barbarians and heathen alike. Actually there was a massive flame war and I composed this as a way of distracting everybody. Did it work? Hell no. But I had fun and my loyal readership (god bless both of your twisted little hearts) enjoyed it. It was posted in four parts of about 1000 words each so that it didn't bounce from the digest. Plus it made it a bit more readable.

Below is the original introduction to the Bear Notch Road story. I include it here simply because I came across it while putting this all together. It's not particularly anything, other than annoying, yet here it is:

 

Once again seemingly unseemly issues occurring in the BMWCCA have raised their ugly heads and once again a horde of nattering naysayers have screamed that it should not take place on the digest. My take on all this can be summed up in one word: Icky.

So I've decided, or rather one of the voices in my head has told me, that I should do my very best to make the UUCDigest a happier, healthier BMW community. Since you can't paint a digest a nice soothing shade of orange I will do the only thing that I seem to be capable of. No, it is not stuffing my head into a plastic sack, thank you very much for suggesting it though.

You see, I have a good-sized portfolio of BMW related stuff that I've written. It is all unpublished, original material created in my own inimitable style. I actually should say unimitated style since you can imitate it just as easily as you can imitate a chimp sitting up in a tree joyfully flinging his own excrement about. The fact that you don't reflects quite well on you.

Now some might say that the fact that this portfolio exists is reason alone to institute bookburning, or at the very least hard disk degaussing, while other more charitable minded types would rather I be simply put in restraints and gagged. However, some of you, and you know exactly who you are and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, have actually encouraged me to post some of this nonsense. So, in the interest of attempting to remind us what BMW ownership is all about, I have taken it upon myself to periodically post one of these little stories just so that you can have something to complain about other than complaining about people who complain.

Is that clear? No? Well here's your chance to voice your opinion then. If you haven't seen the NoBrainz Motorsports web page yet, go check it out at <Http://people.ne.mediaone.net/jporath> . You will find there a fine example of the kind of claptrap I write about. Although it is a parody, you will get a good idea of where I am coming from and what you should expect (not to mention what the creator of this list is all about too. Thanks Rob!). If you decide that I should just shut my piehole and let the digest be, I will simply hang my head and sulk for weeks while secretly swearing at you under my breath and plotting revenge. Otherwise, when I feel the need, I will post a short story (hopefully mercifully shorter than this simple introduction has turned out to be) that will hopefully brighten your day just a tiny bit. Either that or it will galvanize the entire lot of you against a common enemy: me. But I've been tarred and feathered before and it really wasn't that bad, although I did have to pay her quite a bit to have it done.

In the next day or two, barring the expect barrage of badwill email, I will be posting the first installment (now you know why I'm sending this email over a holiday weekend). It concerns an event involving me, my E30 M3, a twisty little road of narrow little passages, and a 2002tii. Until then, get outside and play.

Regards,

Jonathan Porath