Phun with Photoshop Corporate letters Bear Notch Road Emails from Heck


This one, I particularly enjoy but it does require a bit of setup.  The UUCDigest had been plunged into a jihad regarding airbags. Factions favored them, others said they did more harm than good, still others suggested more active safety devices were the key. The signal to noise ratio had plummeted and the entire digest had degenerated into name calling hissyfits. Shortly after I posted this the furor died. I wish that I could to say that it was as a direct result of this post, however the truth is that the monitors stepped in a put an end to it. Damn.

Seeing as the airbag discussion has warmed to a level sufficient to heat a two stall garage, I think it's time to sit back, take a moment, and review the discussion thus far.

Voice #1: I don't like the steering wheel on my car and I was wondering... 

Alarmist #1: BLASPHEMER! You will die a thousand painful deaths for your transgressions. No man can survive without airbags.

Dissenter#1: Wrong, you purulent purveyor of misinformation and outright lies! Airbags kill. They'll kill you! They'll kill everyone if you let them. I have proof. I was killed by one!

Alarmist #1: Oh you are such a liar. A dirty dirty filthy ugly nasty icky liar. Why, I slammed into a bridge abutment once when I was juggling chains saws and holding a 6 cell maglight in my mouth. I musta been doing a buck seventy five when I hit that puppy and I walked away without a scratch. There wasn't a piece of the car left that was bigger than a quarter. That airbag saved my life. Of course I was young and foolish then...

Dissenter #1: I'm surprised you're old and foolish. Don't you realize that airbags lead to heroin? If you use airbags you will go bald, develop nervous tics, talk to imaginary friends and start walking around yelling out nonsense in public. Sounds like you're starting to do the latter already. I'm not sure about sterility, but I am hoping.

Voice of Reason: There's a government web site with some statistics that...

Everyone: STATISTICS! LET US GO BEHOLD THE STATISTICS! (exeunt while statistics are beheld)

Group returns, greatly agitated.

Alarmist #1: See! I told you. These statistics uphold everything that I said!

Dissenter #1: Infidel! They back me up 100%. See... right here it says so!


Alarmist #1: What was that?

Dissenter #1: Sounded like a yawn.

Alarmist #1: Like you'd know what a yawn sounds like. You don't even realize that seat belts have a propensity for not just leaving you bruised but actually separating your torso from your pelvis. And you should see what they do to you if you get out of the parking lot.

Dissenter #1: Oh come on! Everybody knows that seat belts not only save lives but will increase your useful life span and make you more attractive to the opposite sex. Plus, you can use them as a cummerbund in a pinch and the buckle is terrific for making julienned potatoes.

Reactionary #1: You poor foolish men. The only kind of safety devices fit for mankind are those made for racing. I'm talking nomex, helmets, cages, harnesses, carbon fiber tubs, seam welding....

Dissenter #1: The great unwashed hoi polloi doesn't have enough attention span to use seat belts, how do you expect them to figure out a six point harness? We're talking about people who have to be instructed how to use a simple lap belt *every* *single* *time* they get on an airplane, fer crying out loud. Honestly!

Cynic #1: What difference does it make? Let the idiots die on the streets if they want to. All these passive safety devices are just keeping a polluted gene pool from being rightfully cleansed. If the idiots just kill themselves off, there will be more room on the streets for the smart people. Like me.

Alarmist #1: Heeeeeyyyy... wait a second! Are you saying that I'm...

Me: Whoa there guys! This has become a religious war and nobody's mind will ever change. Can't we all just agree to disagree? 


Silence. Crickets chirp. Blissful peace.

Voice #1: (sotto voce) What do you think of Momo steering wheels?

Chorus: NOOOOOOOOOOooooo!

Exeunt all, stage left, screaming all the way.