E30M3Purchase
Phun with Photoshop Corporate letters Bear Notch Road Emails from Heck

 

This message was in response to a poor unfortunate who was looking to buy a BMW E30 M3. I offered him some fine advice on selecting, inspecting, negotiating and purchasing one of these rare beasts. So he goes out and buys one. Then he comes back and tells me he's married. 


WIFE? Did you say WIFE? You NEVER said you were married! Oh my god, this changes everything! I never would have told you to buy an E30 M3 if I knew a wife was involved. 

What to do? What to do?

Think, Jon, think!

Okay, first, do you have an overseas bank account? Swiss, Cayman? No? Well, establish one immediately then. I prefer the Cook Islands myself but any discrete country will do. Set up a trust in your car's name. (you did name your car didn't you?) Start funneling all extraneous funds you can discretely lay your hands on into this account. 

Next, join the UUC. http://members.aol.com/benliaw/uuc.htm

Then comes the tough part: you have to plan the upgrades that you want carefully so that they go largely unnoticed. If anything does get noticed, you must never, under any circumstances, lie to your wife. I don't know how they figure it out, but they do. Instead, carefully craft answers that have nothing to do with the question that was asked.

For example: 

Jim C Chip:
A terrific, invisible and undetectable upgrade. If she notices anything, just say you threw some injector cleaner in the car. (be sure that you threw injector cleaner in the tank prior to installing the chip)

Short shift kit:

Q: "Did the car always shift like this?"

Wrong answer: "Oh absolutely, don't you remember?" You bet your *ss she remembers, otherwise she would not have asked. 

Right answer: "You know, I don't think it did. Maybe I'll have to take a look down there to figure out what's going on, although, to tell the truth, I kinda like it."


Momo steering wheel:

Q: "Was this the original steering wheel that came on the car?"
A: "Nope. The ones that came on these cars were kinda large and thin compared to this. This is an aftermarket steering wheel. Nice isn't it? Real comfortable."

Q: "Yeah, it is nice, but where did it come from?" (Slightly querulous)
A: "Momo. See, it says it right on the horn button. They're Italian. Beautiful leather."

Q: "No, I mean 'Where did you get it?'" (Irritation starting to show)
A: "Oh, a friend I know had an extra one (the dealers have LOTS of extra ones) and I traded him for it." (Yup. Traded cash)

Q: "What did you trade?" (Sternly questioned. Danger Will Robinson)
A: "Some extra monetary trade certificates that he was interested in."

Q: "MONEY? YOU PAID MONEY? HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY? WHERE DID YOU GET IT? YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ALL THIS TIME, YOU LOUSY #$($Q@#$. YOU KNOW WE NEEDED NEW JABEAUS IN THE LIVING ROOM! YOU'RE ON THE COUCH UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, BUSTER!"

See how quickly these things degenerate? I mean, how can anybody justify $100 for a lighted ///M shift knob? "Well it looks sooooo cool!" just doesn't cut it. And that Supersprint muffler? Most rational people cannot validate paying extra to have something perform its job worse. After all, aren't mufflers supposed to make the car quieter? You paid extra for a *louder* one? And don't even talk about wheels. I hope you either have a wife who is very forgiving, understands the inherent coolness of these things or, well I just don't know.


A word of warning here. Do not, repeat, do not, take anything I say as good advice. Frankly I often think my brain is trying to kill me.